Reasons Why

Huzzah! A good good day for me yesterday! Not without its challenges, but I still made it through the day feel pretty happy.
With a terrible weekend behind me, it was quite easy to find within myself the motivation to fight through my feelings and not let them overwhelm me! There's a site that I like to check out quite often now that's called "The Daily Motivator" (and the topics are often creapily relevant to my life:)
http://greatday.com/

Today was about the "Reason Why", by Ralph Marston. Part of it states:
"Again and again, remind yourself why. With a strong enough reason why, you will be able to do anything at any time in any circumstance."

This speaks true to me today, I think. Here I am entering a second day of potential no-binge/no-crazy/no-giving-in-and-feeling-utterly-upset-with-myself-and-thinking-tomorrow-will-be-different. I haven't gone two days in...months. Months. So, here I am on the verge of something...and reminding myself all day the REASON WHY I'm doing this, I feel, will give me the drive to keep going. I'm looking for truths that will glow through: thoughts I believe so firmly that no amount of waving in the heavy winds of my moods could pull them up by the roots. I feel I am a reasonable person, and I having such beliefs will act like a backboard for me. Perhaps I will write these things down...

1. My health. I can feel the difference in my body...Every time I binge, I feel sluggish, in pain, tired, dehydrated. I cannot move very much, and I cannot do the things I want to do. I can see the wearing of my body, and I feel foreign to it.

2. My feelings. I know that this whole experience is not necessarily my fault, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the shame and guilt of it when I succumb to those wild feelings of desperation. I isolate myself; I feel totally alone and hopeless. And I never know when I'll break out of the funk...it lingers for who knows how long.

3. My passions. There is so much in my life right now...so much potential. Every time I binge, I loose time. I loose opportunity. I feel devoid of creativity and desire to be out there DOING. I can't stand not wanting to paint, not wanting to be with friends, not wanting to read about philosophy or play guitar.

4. My relationships. I feel the difference between the ripening of my connections when I am calm versus the strain of bulimia. I am not actively mean or anything when I am under the weather, BUT I cannot climb out of he hole myself, and I know the people that love me worry about me. It kills me to talk to someone and say "Well, it wasn't the best day...". Again.

What will I do today if I feel crazy-like:
1. BREATHE. And look out the window. Think about the world...how beautiful and complicated and connected it all is. Maybe even look out the window (or around) upon a stranger's face and come up with a story for them :)
2. Read this list.
3. Talk to someone!! Especially someone who knows all about my struggles, but, really, anyone will do.

Wish me luck. I have a plan, I have some motivations. Bring it on.