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Yesterday was a rough. For some reason I snapped the night before...and because I decided not to purge, I had a rough night sleep, filled with the physical pain of fullness and indigestion as well as the guilt. The shame. Bad combo...so I woke up feeling unsettled. However, I took time for myself last night and woke up feeling good! I've been sitting here for a while, sketching and reading a new book of mine for extracurricular study. It's great!

I tend to think in black and white. I am aware of this, but it can hardly control my feelings on the matter...If I binge, the day is lost. It's a "bad" day: that's how I would first describe my day to someone. A day sans binge is a "good" day. I don't think it's beneficial for me to think in such a way...to even refer to the days in passing in this way. Perhaps if I use a different word, my mind will slowly begin to look at the hours in this way.

Let's see: good and bad is not a way to label the day, to explain it to someone. I had an overall good day on wednesday...in no way was a it easy, but I felt generally happy all day until the very last. I cannot take the binge out of the equation, nor do I wish to ignore the good moments I had before. It's hard to consider all the moments where no action was taken versus the few in which I did something against myself: actions yell. But my good times do not count for nothing. Quite the opposite...they count for everything. Those moments of clarity are what keep me running.

Successful versus Unsuccessful:
No...because "unsuccessful" makes me think the entire day was also a failure...fruitless and unproductive, which certainly is not true.

What if I thought in noise? I mean that's often how I experience a day: loud cries in my head cloud my thoughts...disturb calm. Don't think in success or failure, but in volume. I should concentrate on cause, right? The thing that makes my binge is the hectic thoughts in my head, the inability to calm down. Bulimia, after all, is not the cause but the symptom. Perhaps I should focus on the cause? And, really, a binge-y day would mean a louder day, anyway.

But then again, it changes. I could have a troubled day, full of changes in volume, but successful in the fact that I resisted a binge.

What about a reference to music? Melodic, sharp, and discordant. I mean,  perhaps I should stop the emphasis as to whether I binged or not, because (like I said) that is a symptom not the cause. And like I said, a day with binging is MUCH worse than the fight to resist.

I'll think on this more.