Hey, guys! A great weekend for me. Great! Very melodic, if you will...
My doctor decided to put me on wellbutrin along with the prozac, so I hope that helps a bit...we'll see. I'm a little nervous about the combo, but there we are. I'll keep truckin.
I painted for the first time in a while yesterday. I used paint almost every day, but lately I have not. Some people find that painting helps them through the rough times...art therapy, if you will. Maybe I just haven't forced myself to do this enough, but I don't think it works that way for me.
I have a very high esteem for Art. For painting and creation in general. To do crafts and collages may help me unwind, but painting and song-writing requires a clear head. For me, it requires a special kind of positive force, a hope, a faith, and (as I said before) a clear mind. These things have been significantly lacking, and thus, I cannot find it within myself to sit down and create. It is hard to really open yourself up to the world when you feel hollow.
But I have lately, which is lovely. THREE DAYS. Three days I've gone without bingeing...so significant to me. I plan on making it four. And painting this morning, too. I did one last night, but I want to re-paint it in order to eliminate some of the more superfluous marks. Van Gogh did this, you know...He would often do a painting from life and then do drawing copies of the painting. Thus, he seemed to narrow in on relationships and accentuate the most important.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Labels
Yesterday was a rough. For some reason I snapped the night before...and because I decided not to purge, I had a rough night sleep, filled with the physical pain of fullness and indigestion as well as the guilt. The shame. Bad combo...so I woke up feeling unsettled. However, I took time for myself last night and woke up feeling good! I've been sitting here for a while, sketching and reading a new book of mine for extracurricular study. It's great!
I tend to think in black and white. I am aware of this, but it can hardly control my feelings on the matter...If I binge, the day is lost. It's a "bad" day: that's how I would first describe my day to someone. A day sans binge is a "good" day. I don't think it's beneficial for me to think in such a way...to even refer to the days in passing in this way. Perhaps if I use a different word, my mind will slowly begin to look at the hours in this way.
Let's see: good and bad is not a way to label the day, to explain it to someone. I had an overall good day on wednesday...in no way was a it easy, but I felt generally happy all day until the very last. I cannot take the binge out of the equation, nor do I wish to ignore the good moments I had before. It's hard to consider all the moments where no action was taken versus the few in which I did something against myself: actions yell. But my good times do not count for nothing. Quite the opposite...they count for everything. Those moments of clarity are what keep me running.
Successful versus Unsuccessful:
No...because "unsuccessful" makes me think the entire day was also a failure...fruitless and unproductive, which certainly is not true.
What if I thought in noise? I mean that's often how I experience a day: loud cries in my head cloud my thoughts...disturb calm. Don't think in success or failure, but in volume. I should concentrate on cause, right? The thing that makes my binge is the hectic thoughts in my head, the inability to calm down. Bulimia, after all, is not the cause but the symptom. Perhaps I should focus on the cause? And, really, a binge-y day would mean a louder day, anyway.
But then again, it changes. I could have a troubled day, full of changes in volume, but successful in the fact that I resisted a binge.
What about a reference to music? Melodic, sharp, and discordant. I mean, perhaps I should stop the emphasis as to whether I binged or not, because (like I said) that is a symptom not the cause. And like I said, a day with binging is MUCH worse than the fight to resist.
I'll think on this more.
I tend to think in black and white. I am aware of this, but it can hardly control my feelings on the matter...If I binge, the day is lost. It's a "bad" day: that's how I would first describe my day to someone. A day sans binge is a "good" day. I don't think it's beneficial for me to think in such a way...to even refer to the days in passing in this way. Perhaps if I use a different word, my mind will slowly begin to look at the hours in this way.
Let's see: good and bad is not a way to label the day, to explain it to someone. I had an overall good day on wednesday...in no way was a it easy, but I felt generally happy all day until the very last. I cannot take the binge out of the equation, nor do I wish to ignore the good moments I had before. It's hard to consider all the moments where no action was taken versus the few in which I did something against myself: actions yell. But my good times do not count for nothing. Quite the opposite...they count for everything. Those moments of clarity are what keep me running.
Successful versus Unsuccessful:
No...because "unsuccessful" makes me think the entire day was also a failure...fruitless and unproductive, which certainly is not true.
What if I thought in noise? I mean that's often how I experience a day: loud cries in my head cloud my thoughts...disturb calm. Don't think in success or failure, but in volume. I should concentrate on cause, right? The thing that makes my binge is the hectic thoughts in my head, the inability to calm down. Bulimia, after all, is not the cause but the symptom. Perhaps I should focus on the cause? And, really, a binge-y day would mean a louder day, anyway.
But then again, it changes. I could have a troubled day, full of changes in volume, but successful in the fact that I resisted a binge.
What about a reference to music? Melodic, sharp, and discordant. I mean, perhaps I should stop the emphasis as to whether I binged or not, because (like I said) that is a symptom not the cause. And like I said, a day with binging is MUCH worse than the fight to resist.
I'll think on this more.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Find a Penny
I have a friend who says that he likes to pick up pennies heads-up: good luck. But even if he sees a penny heads-down, he doesn't leave it alone:
"If I'm feeling especially brave, I will turn the penny over, so the next person to find it will find it heads-up. And technically I haven't picked it up, you know..."
I saw a tails-up penny this morning and turned it over. A simple act just made my morning complete! I had a binge-free day yesterday, and this gives me so much confidence. Confidence and the faculty to see the little pennies in my day.
Superstitions can be very powerful, I think. They can give us a feeling invincibility or a feeling of hopelessness. Yet, I find it to be very amusing and self-empowering to figure out my ways of dodging the bad and sneaking in some good (even if not directly for you but for someone else).
I will relish, if only for this simple, calm moment, the joy of feeling like I have done something anonymously kind for someone else...and humorous. Even if the rest of this day is hard on me, this morning was not empty of some good.
"If I'm feeling especially brave, I will turn the penny over, so the next person to find it will find it heads-up. And technically I haven't picked it up, you know..."
I saw a tails-up penny this morning and turned it over. A simple act just made my morning complete! I had a binge-free day yesterday, and this gives me so much confidence. Confidence and the faculty to see the little pennies in my day.
Superstitions can be very powerful, I think. They can give us a feeling invincibility or a feeling of hopelessness. Yet, I find it to be very amusing and self-empowering to figure out my ways of dodging the bad and sneaking in some good (even if not directly for you but for someone else).
I will relish, if only for this simple, calm moment, the joy of feeling like I have done something anonymously kind for someone else...and humorous. Even if the rest of this day is hard on me, this morning was not empty of some good.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Reasons Why
Huzzah! A good good day for me yesterday! Not without its challenges, but I still made it through the day feel pretty happy.
With a terrible weekend behind me, it was quite easy to find within myself the motivation to fight through my feelings and not let them overwhelm me! There's a site that I like to check out quite often now that's called "The Daily Motivator" (and the topics are often creapily relevant to my life:)
http://greatday.com/
Today was about the "Reason Why", by Ralph Marston. Part of it states:
"Again and again, remind yourself why. With a strong enough reason why, you will be able to do anything at any time in any circumstance."
This speaks true to me today, I think. Here I am entering a second day of potential no-binge/no-crazy/no-giving-in-and-feeling-utterly-upset-with-myself-and-thinking-tomorrow-will-be-different. I haven't gone two days in...months. Months. So, here I am on the verge of something...and reminding myself all day the REASON WHY I'm doing this, I feel, will give me the drive to keep going. I'm looking for truths that will glow through: thoughts I believe so firmly that no amount of waving in the heavy winds of my moods could pull them up by the roots. I feel I am a reasonable person, and I having such beliefs will act like a backboard for me. Perhaps I will write these things down...
1. My health. I can feel the difference in my body...Every time I binge, I feel sluggish, in pain, tired, dehydrated. I cannot move very much, and I cannot do the things I want to do. I can see the wearing of my body, and I feel foreign to it.
2. My feelings. I know that this whole experience is not necessarily my fault, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the shame and guilt of it when I succumb to those wild feelings of desperation. I isolate myself; I feel totally alone and hopeless. And I never know when I'll break out of the funk...it lingers for who knows how long.
3. My passions. There is so much in my life right now...so much potential. Every time I binge, I loose time. I loose opportunity. I feel devoid of creativity and desire to be out there DOING. I can't stand not wanting to paint, not wanting to be with friends, not wanting to read about philosophy or play guitar.
4. My relationships. I feel the difference between the ripening of my connections when I am calm versus the strain of bulimia. I am not actively mean or anything when I am under the weather, BUT I cannot climb out of he hole myself, and I know the people that love me worry about me. It kills me to talk to someone and say "Well, it wasn't the best day...". Again.
What will I do today if I feel crazy-like:
1. BREATHE. And look out the window. Think about the world...how beautiful and complicated and connected it all is. Maybe even look out the window (or around) upon a stranger's face and come up with a story for them :)
2. Read this list.
3. Talk to someone!! Especially someone who knows all about my struggles, but, really, anyone will do.
Wish me luck. I have a plan, I have some motivations. Bring it on.
With a terrible weekend behind me, it was quite easy to find within myself the motivation to fight through my feelings and not let them overwhelm me! There's a site that I like to check out quite often now that's called "The Daily Motivator" (and the topics are often creapily relevant to my life:)
http://greatday.com/
Today was about the "Reason Why", by Ralph Marston. Part of it states:
"Again and again, remind yourself why. With a strong enough reason why, you will be able to do anything at any time in any circumstance."
This speaks true to me today, I think. Here I am entering a second day of potential no-binge/no-crazy/no-giving-in-and-feeling-utterly-upset-with-myself-and-thinking-tomorrow-will-be-different. I haven't gone two days in...months. Months. So, here I am on the verge of something...and reminding myself all day the REASON WHY I'm doing this, I feel, will give me the drive to keep going. I'm looking for truths that will glow through: thoughts I believe so firmly that no amount of waving in the heavy winds of my moods could pull them up by the roots. I feel I am a reasonable person, and I having such beliefs will act like a backboard for me. Perhaps I will write these things down...
1. My health. I can feel the difference in my body...Every time I binge, I feel sluggish, in pain, tired, dehydrated. I cannot move very much, and I cannot do the things I want to do. I can see the wearing of my body, and I feel foreign to it.
2. My feelings. I know that this whole experience is not necessarily my fault, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the shame and guilt of it when I succumb to those wild feelings of desperation. I isolate myself; I feel totally alone and hopeless. And I never know when I'll break out of the funk...it lingers for who knows how long.
3. My passions. There is so much in my life right now...so much potential. Every time I binge, I loose time. I loose opportunity. I feel devoid of creativity and desire to be out there DOING. I can't stand not wanting to paint, not wanting to be with friends, not wanting to read about philosophy or play guitar.
4. My relationships. I feel the difference between the ripening of my connections when I am calm versus the strain of bulimia. I am not actively mean or anything when I am under the weather, BUT I cannot climb out of he hole myself, and I know the people that love me worry about me. It kills me to talk to someone and say "Well, it wasn't the best day...". Again.
What will I do today if I feel crazy-like:
1. BREATHE. And look out the window. Think about the world...how beautiful and complicated and connected it all is. Maybe even look out the window (or around) upon a stranger's face and come up with a story for them :)
2. Read this list.
3. Talk to someone!! Especially someone who knows all about my struggles, but, really, anyone will do.
Wish me luck. I have a plan, I have some motivations. Bring it on.
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