Talking

Yup, a breakdown yesterday.
Spinning head.
Depressed.
Hopeless.

I don't cry very often, so usually when it happens, it happens for a while.

My head just felt so full and stressed...I don't know what's best for me: to fill my schedule or empty it? What do I do? Can I handle being a full-time student with a job AND recover?? I'm so terribly glad I have a good friend here lean on. She was there for me yesterday when I totally felt like I was circling the drain.

Talking is so important. So important. No one was going to fix me yesterday. No one was going to calm me totally...But having all those racing thoughts and fears swirling within just makes everything SO MUCH HARDER. But to tell someone these things is like taking a nice deep breath.

Of course, I am not really an advocate of telling anyone and everyone, "Hey! Back off. I feel crazy because my mind is spinning and I'm depressed and cannot focus..." yadda yadda yadda. There four kinds of people I have run across who are invaluable to me:
1. The Counselors. These people are those in your life who just love to help people. Often they are very obvious...they feel a need to help people. I am kinda like this person, although I more often need to lean on others these days. Kind people who are trustworthy and willing to be there. I have a good good friend who has offered to meet with me just to talk whenever I need it...she and another girl I know want to enter into the counseling profession anyway. heh give 'um some practice.

2. The Listeners who Love. These people love you so much. They don't necessarily understand all the time, but they try because they love you. At first it may be difficult to talk to them because you probably care deeply for them as well, and thus, the shame and guilt and need to make them proud of you is overwhelming. Yet, I've found that telling these people what's going on often helps them worry less about you, lifts those pent up feelings of guilt, and there's a wonderful ease that comes with finding they still do love you. I've found many moments of reborn confidence and hope after speaking to this kind of person, like my boyfriend.

3. The Similar Breeds. You'll find them in strangest places. I've talked to people who have/had eating disorders because they were friends to whom I've opened up, someone who came to ME because they overheard me talking to a "Counselor"-type, and even a sister. My sister went through the same thing, which made me terrified to talk to her about my troubles for a while. How could I fall into the same trap after watching her go through it? How could I do that? Would talking to her make those feelings re-surface for her? But finally telling my sister was one of the best choices I've made down the line. Also, I opened up to alcoholic before...anyone who has had an addiction can in some ways really understand your sentiments, although it may take some metaphor-work to make that transition :)

4. The Professionals. Therapists. People who have a range of understanding, suggestions, etc. I don't feel so problematic or crazy when I talk to a therapist because I find out there are so many more people like me out there!

Speaking of which, the lesson from this weekend's terror was to change my physical appointment and find a therapist (problems with insurance, so I had to change doctors...). Those are the main goals today.

Talk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!