Café au Lait: explained.

Coffee with Milk. I once heard someone say that you never begin drinking coffee because you like the taste...especially black coffee. Yes, you may come to like the bitter-water, but (at least in my own experience) I didn't think I'd ever like coffee. But the smell: that was alluring. And sitting in coffee shops, watching people? My favorite activity. I study there, I sketch there, I read there. My frequent trips to the coffee shop meant that I started to try out beverages with the brown grounds. Particularly the café au lait (at first with lots of sugar) drew me. I am a Francophone, and so I would secretly smile to myself and chuckle when ordering the french drink. Especially in Starbucks (even after being reprimanded for not saying "café misto". bah. I simply refuse to say it). 

Ah, yes. It has a special place in my heart, this beverage: it was my drink of choice as I nuzzled myself into the coffee culture; it whispers sweet nothings to the française within; it is a warm, frothy blanket for my psyche; it connects me to the great minds of the past; it is a steady beat when my life seems like a . All these things are ever so important to me, both the past and present held in highest regard... e

Now, as for the metaphor: yes, I do consider it a metaphor. haha I try to pack as many metaphors in my life as possible!! Why? Well, I suppose it's because if you can attach a personal sentiments into an organized idea, one to project onto an outside experience or object, believe it acts like a handhold. You feel somehow a little equal with it, as you have waded through the confusion and, at the very least, wrapped a thin layer of sense around it. It can no longer possess you entirely. Aaaaand back to the drink metaphor: 
café = coffee. It's bitter. It really doesn't taste all that wonderful. BUT it has a fantastic smell, and it does wake a gal up in the morning. Its effects are alluring, although not necessarily the taste of the drink itself....oh! kinda like bulimia. Hah. That biting taste of shame and guilt and isolation and fretting....Gross.  
lait = milk. One could reach back and lay out all the old meanings for milk: life-giver, innocence, subsistence, etc. But for anyone who has ever suffered from an eating disorder, milk can be the enemy. It can be a non-necessary, calorie-packed extra for the wake-up juice!! "No, no, no. I'll have it black, please!" So you suffer through with the bitter stuff, because "Heck! Other people like it! I will, too...eventually." 
However, I DO like my coffee more with milk (especially soy milk). It stays with me longer, the texture silky and present on my tongue. It lingers and softens and, if it is soy milk, adds a bit 'o vanilla! Nice.
So, I accept the coffee drinker within. But I also accept that want for milk with that coffee. I accept that bulimia is part of my life. But it is NOT the entire story....I must learn how to find the sweet substance of my life so as to avoid drowning in a vicious coffee existence. There are positives to this entire experience with bulimia, and I am absolutely determined to find them.

There's a lovely balance waiting to be found.

So, here I begin my first blog journey, and I shall try to be faithful to it...I hope it helps me as it help you. Because sharing and knowing you're not alone makes all the difference in the world.